It’s official. The world will end next year, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
No, it’s not a monster asteroid, it’s not the Mayan calendar and it’s not even yet another instalment of The Real House Wives. It’s the one thing that no one ever saw coming – a worldwide shortage of bacon. Kinda.
Record droughts in the US have driven pig feed prices up, which in turn has caused european pig farmers to drastically cull their herds, which in turn has also caused struggling US and Canadian pig farmers to follow suit, and when you put it all together the terrifying reality sets in.
OMG, OMG, OMG, this can’t be happening.
To help you better prepare for the bacon wrapped rapture, here’s “10 Things You Are Going To Miss Next Year When There’s No Bacon.” Prepare to panic.
1. The BLT
This one alone should have you immediately running into the streets and smashing open the nearest butcher shop window to stock up your deep freezer before judgement day. Life is just not worth living without the delicate balance of half a pack of bacon and three inches of mayonnaise dancing on your palate.
2. The Baconator
What did little red-headed Wendy ever do to deserve having one of her signature burgers potentially wiped off the menu, besides being red-headed? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Our condolences to Wendy’s.
3. The Caesar Salad
Bring on the Ides of March, because even Julius Caesar will be spinning in his grave as tables all around the world plunk down his name sake with – God forbid – grilled chicken, shrimps or the unthinkable sin of Bac’n Pieces.
4. Artisan Bacon
As pretentious and hipster-chic that overly self-indulgent bacon baking photos are, Pinterest could be faced with mass layoffs if the shortage lasts for too long. Let’s face it though, you’d step over your own mother for a plate of Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bars.
5. Epic Meal Time
When your entire Youtube series revolves around the mantra of “and bacon strips, and bacon strips, and bacon strips” you best start counting down the days until you’re forced to switch to “and turkey strips, and turkey strips, and turkey strips” … but then again who wants to eat turkey bacon?
6. Occupy Bacon
The bad boys of the bacon world are going to have to up the ante next year when their never-ending photo stream of bacon inspired foods, bacon infused humour and bacon soaked memes comes to an abrupt and saddening halt. It’s going to be nothing but boobs and doobs for a while, which are both the perfect accompaniment to bacon. Right?
7. Bacon Bowls
You’ve never lived until you’ve experienced the ultimate in edible dinnerware, and that’s just as well, because you’ll feel like you’ve died a little inside anyways when the bacon bomb drops next year. Bacon spoon not included.
8. Bacon Paraphernalia
You’ve probably never let your friends and family in on the secret of how you get your bacon so crispy and flat and in astonishingly impressive record times, but they’ll be able to see the lost and broken look in your eyes every time you pop your head into the Tupperware cupboard and dream of better days gone by. Oh Bacon Wave, where did we go wrong?
9. Kevin Bacon
Think about it. With the whole world falling apart one missing BLT at a time, the topic on everyone’s short list will of course be bacon, and since good old Kevin shares his illustrious last name with an impending world-wide epidemic he’ll be buried under a mountain of lost and broken people crying out for something, anything pig related.
10. Bacon Vodka
Quite possibly the world’s most perfect blend of … nah … screw that. Bakon vodka can suck it.
Jeromie Williams Eats The Internet For Breakfast