The One Snack Food That You Should Run Like The Ever Loving Wind From

If you've got the ambition to clog every possible artery in your body, then boy howdy does General Mills want to hear from you.  Photo - Jeromie Williams

If you’ve got the ambition to clog every possible artery in your body, then boy howdy does General Mills want to hear from you. Photo – Jeromie Williams

I have some very fond memories from childhood that involve the ingestion of either far too many refined sugar products, deep-fried goodies or taste bud busting salty treats, because let’s face it, it was the 80’s and that’s just how we did things.

It was a Wonder Bread, Cap’n Crunch, Pepsi Blue, Atomic Sourballs, Jolly Rancher, Cool Ranch, Capri Sun, Teddy Grahams, Corn Nuts kind of time, and bravo to you if you know what at least half of those things are because it means you are a true child of the Saved By the Bell generation.

One guilty pleasure however – that for some reason had lost its grip on me quite shortly after I started gripping myself – popped up recently in a handy snack size bag at the corner store and caused me to do a triple take down memory lane.  Holy crap, how did I ever forget about Bugles!?

Those crunchy little cones of heaven that often doubled as deadly finger nails, edible hats for my Lego men or highly sought after currency between myself and friends that could buy you loyalty or being picked first for baseball were right there in front of me, teasing me with their nacho cheesy goodness.

Diet be damned (cuz did I mention I just lost 20 pounds this month?), I bought a bag of Bugles because I was not going to be denied the 3 minutes of childish fun I deserved making Freddy Krueger fingers “aux fromages” and cackling at my friend with my face all scrunched up.

As the infamous Fat Bastard would say:  Get in mah belleh!

So with a giddy little skip to my step I walked up to the counter with my adult beverages and childhood on the same counter, paid up for everything and then immediately tore into the bag and smashed about 6 Bugles into my feed hole and made what you could either call the best, or very worst decision I made that day:  I turned the bag over and looked at the nutritional information on the back.

Holy, mother f****ing crap.  My childhood just rear ended my adult life and nobody was getting out of this car wreck alive unless evasive action was taken immediately.  As my tongue was enjoying an orgy of flavour, my stomach began to churn at the idea that I was about to eat 108% of my daily saturated fat intake in one small snack sized bag of Bugles.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not above the occasional indulgence, and at the ripe old age of 36 I’ve recently started taking a much more active role in my diet and my health, but that doesn’t mean the occasional A&W Teen Burger, poutine or Eat-More bar are out of the question.  Everything in moderation they say, right? Right?!?!

Needless to say, a little piece of my childhood died that day right about at the point where I unceremoniously pushed open the garbage can and jettisoned a mouthful of toxic orange corn meal into its dark depths. I promptly whipped out my iPhone to document the nutritional information on the back of the bag, and then sent the rest of the contents into the same depths of hell I just spat its brethren into.

As much as I enjoy the occasional gluttonous treat from time to time, there was absolutely no way that I was about to intentionally ingest a week’s worth of saturated fat to take a trip down memory lane.  Aint nobody got time for that!  And aint nobody got the colon of steel for that!

So please dear reader, for the love of all that is holy, promise me that if you ever see a bag or box of Bugles anywhere you will instantly kill it with fire and then run screaming with your arms flailing and never, ever, look back.

What are you people at General Mills thinking anyways?  What do you, dear reader, think about this type of fat content in your food?  Leave a comment below.

Jeromie Williams Eats The Internet For Breakfast


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