An Open Letter From Canada To Shepard Smith: We Promise We’ll Do Better Next Time, Buddy

sorry-ehDear Shep,

Can I call you Shep?  I know it’s a bit informal and all, but you know us Canadians, always with the “hey buddy” and the “what’s up guy” and such.  It’s kind of our thing.  Kinda neat huh?

So listen Shep, I’ve been sent here by the Canadian Bureau of Apologies to discuss a matter of great national importance and shame that we want to remedy with you as fast as we can.  As Canadians, we have never been more sorry for causing an international incident like the one we caused on your show and we want to explain what happened.

Remember on Monday when Canadian authorities announced that they had arrested two men on suspicion they were working with Al Qaeda to derail an Amtrak train near Toronto?  I’m pretty sure you’ll remember it because there was a whole fancy press conference and everything during your show, complete with a real live Canadian standing in front of a podium that wasn’t even made out of ice or moose hide or anything silly like that.

It was nothing short of a national effort to get that press conference together Shep, let me tell you that.  We had to dogsled the one HD camera in Canada all the way from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan  to Toronto, Ontario and the microphone almost didn’t make it in because we had to borrow it from the Queen of England.  She took it away from us after the Vancouver Olympics as punishment for Celine Dion spilling like, ONLY A DROP of maple syrup on it.  It didn’t even make a stain or anything, but she got all mad and grounded us for fifteen years from it.

We brought all seventeen of Canada’s top carpenters together to build a stage, and we spent $16.2million dollars commissioning the backdrop for the press conference from our beloved First Nations communities.  We even had Sarah McLachlan and Justin Bieber on standby in case someone needed to sing the Canadian national anthem a few times.

Shep, we did everything to get ready for that press conference, and that includes hiring the only bilingual actor in the world who can differentiate between the US “about” and the Canadian “aboot” to make the experience as authentic for you as possible.  As a country, we realized it was our time to shine on Fox News and we really tried to show your viewers some true Canadian hospitality.  But we failed you Shep, didn’t we?  We failed you, and we’re ashamed.

No one has ever been able to quite put their finger on it like you did Shep, but you hit the beaver right on the tail.  We do “roll” a different way in Canada, and no matter how many times we’re reminded to be careful, we all too often get carried away and our hellos end up lasting what many people consider “a long time” – but give us a break eh, we’re just too darn friendly.

What we’re most embarrassed about though Shep, and what we’d like to deeply apologize for, is how much of your time we wasted holding the press conference in both of Canada’s official languages.  To begin the whole thing in French was absolutely thoughtless, carless and selfish of us and there are no words and pas d’excuses that will ever erase the damage we did to your show.

Please, just tell us what we can do to make it up to you Shep, because we don’t ever want to be “not ready for television” like you called us out for.  We were so caught up in capturing suspected Al Qaeda operatives planning to bomb an Amtrak train that we dropped the ball and exposed your viewers to another language other than English.

We promise, we’ll do better next time, buddy.

Sincerely,

Canada

PS – We’re also extremely sorry for Nickelback.

 

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