Happy Thanksgiving America!
Today, you’re either on your way to, or have throngs of people coming over to your house for that one big, special, cramped, stressful, messy, all night, gluttonous feed-fest that you’re going to have to do all the dish after. Alone. Why struggle through the night, heck why struggle through the entire day even, without a little support from the chef’s little kitchen helper. That’s right, were talking about keeping things mellow and hazy by presenting to you, the ultimate drunk Thanksgiving survival guide.
First, the most important thing you’re going to have to accomplish today, is the turkey. There’s thousands of videos out there claiming to have the ultimate turkey recipe, but if you’re going to follow the ultimate drunk Thanksgiving survival guide, we’ve got you covered.
Once you’ve gotten through all 15 steps of how to cook a turkey, and you BETTER have followed the entire recipe step by step if we’re going to continue being friends, you’re now going to be faced with the awkward family chit-chat we’ve all come to dread. Except if you’re at the kid’s table, because over there on sanity island there’s hardly a word spoken. It’s nothing more than a string of dropped jaws and wide-eyed looks of shock and embarrassment as your parents make fools of themselves.
But should you be stuck at the main event table with grandpas and grandmas, aunts and uncles, moms and dads, and a bounty cousins over the age of 13, then you’re going to need this video to understand just what everyone is talking about.
Now, some time during or after dinner, someone is going to insist that the history of Thanksgiving be told so that everyone can bask in the warm glowing warming glowiness of the holiday and help everyone connect with the meaning and history of the day. If you’re lucky enough to be the one sauced up, or have someone else sauced up enough at the table, you might get this boozy version of the Thanksgiving story.
And, once everyone is falling into and out of consciousness from their turkey overdose coma, you can flip on the television and know that you’ll never be as lucky and/or cool as these families who get to go on TV. Nope, just take a look around the room and remember, that’s your family and there’s nothing you can do about it. Unless you run. You could always run the like the wind.
Originally posted on the Restoring Sanity website.